We go to the same island in Florida every summer for vacation. It’s become a tradition that comes one way or another. I start counting down to this particular vacation in January without fail. A countdown on my phone, a Pinterest board, saving reels of things to do, you know all the things that keep you looking forward to something. This year has been different though. This year, it sat patiently in the back of mind, undisturbed, and not demanding any attention from me at all. She sat so patiently that I didn’t even realize it was so close until two weeks before and instead of feeling excited, I just felt…nothing. And it just makes me wonder, what’s wrong with me?

How could something that I love so much and I look forward to more than most things in my life give me no feelings. I didn’t over plan. I didn’t care about packing. I didn’t care about placing our grocery order. I didn’t stay up all night the night before because my excitement was just nonexistent. I just didn’t care. I thought it would change when we landed in Florida. You know what happened…

Nothing. I was just going through the motions. I didn’t even take that deep breath of relief when I landed in Florida that has become a predictable pattern each year. This is my happy place, but this year is different and I desperately want to know what’s wrong with me and how I fix this.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking this seems like such a silly thing to be worried about. Seriously, I know. Like, get over myself. There are real problems in the world that need to be solved and here I am upset over this. But this is a big problem for me. I’ve always been excited to be in Florida. I’ve always looked forward to being here. It’s where I want to live and grow old. I’ve been dreaming of this since the kids were little.

Up until a few months ago, I was making plans to move to Florida within the next year and a half. Now, I don’t know if that’s ever happening and maybe that’s where it all got so messed up. Maybe our vacation sat patiently in the back of my mind because she thought it wouldn’t be long until I was living with her permanently and maybe that’s where my shattered plan cut off a part of me that felt heartbroken. I saw something recently that said you should always have something to look forward to. It doesn’t need to be something big, it just needs to be something small to look forward to. And while this isn’t small, it was something that meant so much to me. I’ve put all my stock into looking forward to our move to Florida like it was going to be the answer to my soul never feeling rest and now, who knows if it will ever happen. I know God’s plan will forever be better than mine and I just need to have faith. I do have faith, I just feel a bit crushed right now. The thing is, I’m starting to notice a very big issue. When something hurts me, like really cuts me deep, I feel like something inside of me is taking control and shutting parts of me off…

I just had this conversation with my mom and husband within the last week. I feel broken. Ironic coming from someone who lived by I’m just bent, not broken for so long. Life takes a toll on us and I am not exempt from that. Experience can make us stronger or bitter, usually, but I’m starting to wonder if experience is just making me break more and more. I feel so numb to so much. People I’ve loved with all of my heart now get little reaction from me. Things that brought me so much joy now annoy me. Life in general feels so different and I can’t figure out how to move forward.

Anyone else out there feel like they are drowning but have a feeling  of “oh well.” Gosh, that sounds so doom and gloom, but I just mean that I’m feeling like no matter what I do or how I react nothing will change what’s happening or what’s coming. I don’t know. It’s weird. I’m in a weird place. I keep thinking this is perimenopause, but what if it’s just me? What if I am just broken? What do I do? How do I fix it? Because even if I do feel numb to most of this, I also know I shouldn’t feel like this and I want to be better. I want to feel good about life and I want to be excited about what’s to come. So, how about you, my nonexistent reader? Am I alone in this journey? Is this perimenopause? Is it life experiences catching up to me? Or is this just who I am now?